Twilight/New Moon
- Jayde Walker
- Jan 7, 2010
- 2 min read
Tweenie vamp blockbuster is back, with 'It' couple Kristen Stewart and Rob 'OMG R-Pattz' Pattinson returning as an undead low-rent version of Romeo and Juliet.
What’s the deal?
Main plot of Twilight/New Moon goes like this – Girl meets Boy. Boy is dangerous. Drama. Boy rebuffs Girl for her 'own good'. Girl rebounds with Boy 2. Boy 1 returns. Lovers reunite. The End.
It’s good!
Major props to Kristen Stewart for making the character of Bella Swan vaguely likeable. I actually really like Stewart as an actress – I thought she was excellent in both Panic Room and Adventureland. The question is, is she better than the franchise? Acting-wise, yes. Exposure-wise, no.
What’s wrong with you?
I’ve actually never come across such a pack of insipid main characters in my life. Bella is an insipid, annoying, co-dependent prick-tease. Edward Cullen is a possessive, manipulative, passive-aggressive obsessive. Honestly, together they are a clingy, self-indulgent, middle-class white nightmare.Rob Pattinson is terrible as Edward. A really, really bad actor. I didn’t even think he was hot when I first saw the casting announcement. He’s grown on me. Pity he hasn’t grown as a thespian.
Neo-Maxi Zoom Dweeb-ery
There’s no sex. WTF??? I know this is for the tweens but the whole idea of vampirism is the allusion to sex. The penetration of the teeth as an allegory to you-know-what! Succumbing to the vampire’s hypnotic powers = succumbing to lust. Dying and being reborn as a vampire = discovering sexuality. This shit was MADE for teens, people. I don’t understand how a True Love Waits-endorsing Mormon literally sucked all the good stuff out of our blood-drinking bethren and turned them into boring eunachs, while we sat back, reached into our wallets and gave her the big thumbs-up. Whatever.
Truth?
Only watch this if you want to find out what your teenager is on about. Then lecture them afterwards about maladaptive relationships and the need for independence within coupledom.
Bender Fist Pumps:
1.5/5
