Trashtastic! Burlesque
- Jayde Walker
- Dec 23, 2010
- 2 min read
The Trash: Burlesque (2010)
Why It's Been Binned:
Holy shit, Christina Aguilera can perform but she sure as hell can’t act. Her body is pretty smoking though – girlfriend must have lived on air for six months. As for Cher, her motionless face has been stretched and ravaged by so much plastic surgery over the years one can’t figure out if she’s any good or bad. Going on past efforts I’m assuming she is good.
Tell Us About It, Janet:
Burlesque is cross between Rocky Horror/Showgirls/any golden era Busby Berkeley flick. Aguilera throws on a Hannah Montana wig to become Ali, a small-town girl with a big talent who leaves to find fame and fortune in LA. Once there, she lands a job at the struggling Burlesque Lounge, run by former dancer Tess (Cher). Whiney ex-hubby Vince (Peter ‘Eyebrows’ Gallagher) wants to sell to sleazy billionaire Marcus (Eric ‘McSteamy’ Dane), a property developer and Lounge regular, but business-illiterate Tess won’t budge. When the Lounge’s alcoholic starlet Nikki (a brunette, tattooed Kristin Bell) has one too many sherbets one night, Ali is thrust into Nikki’s place and a star is born etc.
Trashiest Moments:
Two favourite scenes are of note due to their sheer ridiculousness:
1. Ali tells her small-town boss she’s ‘leaving this hick town’, defiantly taking whatever money he owes her from the till. After her co-worker warns her to leave, the co-worker then departs the bar (?), leaving Ali to stay in the bar (??? Wtf?) to casually perform an elongated torch song. Obvs not in a hurry then, love.
2. The sexually-frustrated Jack decides to comically seduce his roommate Ali by stripping off one piece of clothing everytime he walks into her room. Until he’s completely nude. Then, he puts on a pair of pants, kisses her, and leads her into his bedroom to presumably ‘get down on it’. What’s with the pants? Dude needs to learn some time management.
